Preparing the Heart

           Something I wrote in the week leading up to Romania and my passport appointment:

Lord, would you prepare my heart for Romania. 

I prayed this, not fully knowing what I was asking of God. I know it is something to pray for. To ask others to pray for. I know I want to be prepared. I want God to work and grow my heart. But I had no idea what that might look or feel like. 

This past week has been incredibly hard. But in the midst of the anxiety and struggle I have become more aware of God. More aware of His presence. His goodness. His provision and protection and peace. His control over all things. 

There seems to be a constant battle. Waves of peace wash over me and then something happens that threatens to drown me in grief and anxiety. I feel as though I’m breaking to pieces but then I feel a soft assuredness in God who is holding me together. 

I knew the process of going to Romania would be one that would stretch and grow my faith from the moment I committed to the trip. But I had no idea it would be so hard, nor so beautiful. 

I am becoming increasingly aware that were the circumstances easy, I would not be leaning on God in the way I now feel I can only do. I would not be thinking and praying about this trip with the constancy that is brought to mind if there were no doubts and whispers from the enemy trying to keep me from going. 

One of the greatest things I’ve been learning is that faith is an action, not a feeling. It sounds like some cheesy phrase you might learn at church camp, but I have never experienced it more tangibly than in this process. When I signed up for the trip, I was aware that I had no consistent income, an out of date passport and only a few months. I wrestled with even telling people about the trip for fear I was mishearing God and not going to be able to go. Once my plane ticket was purchased I felt convicted that I needed to stop saying I was theoretically going to Romania. Ah–this is how God is stretching my faith, I thought. I have to tell people I am going, even though I’m not sure. 

I suppose I kept waiting for a magical, sparkly, feeling of faith. An on fire passion that without a doubt I would get my passport and funding in time. Maybe I was just waiting for my passport before committing to faith. But that feeling didn’t come. Instead I dropped the ball, missing the date for getting my passport through the normal process in time. I was told I would have to call the Seattle Passport office on March 9th. 14 days before the trip. 

Ah–this is how God is stretching my faith. I have to wait until the 9th, but then I will miraculously get an appointment for the 10th, when my friend is available and willing to take me, just in time to confidently tell the church why I’m going to Romania on the 11th, knowing I have a passport in hand. I decided how God was going to work, putting Him in a box in my mind and having faith in only one outcome.

But instead, I called on the 9th about 30 times, each time receiving a busy signal. I tried again on the 10th, still getting a busy signal, until the fourth and final try when someone answered. A miracle. The earliest available appointment was March 20th, two days before our trip. 

I made the appointment and texted our pastor, half expecting to be booted from the trip. 

“Then we will trust and pray,” he said. 

OK. 

So March 11th arrived. As I showered and prepared for the fundraiser, the enemy whispered in my ear:

You don’t deserve to go on this trip. You screwed up. You may not even go, how can you possibly stand up there and share why you are going? 

I don’t deserve to go. But none of us do. Yet, God invites us anyway. I decided I was going to ignore the voice of doubt, and act as though I was sure I was going. I would share. I would call my family members and talk to them about the trip. I would post on social media and sell some necklaces to make money for the trip. I finally started acting as though I was going. Though I lacked the feeling of assurance, I felt God calling me to act with assurance in Him. If it is in God’s will, I will go. If not, if He slams that door shut on Monday, then I won’t–but it doesn’t mean all this praying and preparing was not used for God’s good and glory. If He is in control, then I need not fear.

I was reminded by a friend that we are to ask God for miracles. When asked to pray for my passport, a family friend back home said, “so we are praying for a miracle?” When my mom told me this, I felt a little hurt. I projected my own feelings of doubt and desire for control. A “miracle” sounded like it was an impossibility, a ridiculous thing to pray for…it’s not a total miracle, there is a high possibility!! I redefined "miracle" from a place of doubt instead of faith. Choosing to look at the provision of a passport as a miracle means seeing it as God's provision in circumstances I can't control. Having faith that He will make a way if it is in His will. And trusting that if not, then He has better plans.

I have come to realize that I am in one of the worst possible situations with my passport. I am entirely reliant on God opening or shutting the door. Well, I'm actually always reliant on God opening or shutting the door, but I am particularly aware of it this time. I have no allusions of control. It is entirely in His hands and thus I open my hands and pray His will be done.

His glory and good will prevail. Whether that is using me on this trip or keeping me here. And in that I have felt a new kind of peace. I am at the end of myself. I have no strength left to fight or doubt God. Nor do I want to. I feel very aware that the rest is not in my control. I have done all I can and the rest is up to God. 

I have seen small and large miracles all week. I have seen goodness and excitement and scripture and worship in preparation for this trip. Filling my heart with God and scraping out the yuck of my pride and doubt. I am still immensely imperfect. I don’t think having God ‘prepare my heart’ means perfecting it in time for Romania. That will not happen in this life. But it has meant God has worked in me to think, pray, and long for this trip even more. To experience a surrendering of control that is necessary for this trip and in my life. To be reminded of His power and glory and love and grace. To be spurred onto the humility that I need to enter Romania with. 

 I’m going to keep walking as though I am going to Romania, unless God slams the door. And even then He will make a way for what is in His plan, so I have no doubt all will be well, even if “well” is not what I think it ought to look like. 

The Lord has wrestled a false idea of control out of my hands, revealing He has been holding the world, my passport, this trip, and me in His hands the whole time. So now I patiently wait and prepare, for whatever God has next.

Sincerely,

Sophi

1 Peter 5:6-11

6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 

7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 

9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 

11 To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.