Eating With My Eyes Closed

 Hello lovely humans:)

I've wanted to write about this for a while, and have only just now found a tiny window of time, with which I can hopefully write this post. Ironically, the topic of today’s piece has to do with finding rest and space in a bursting full schedule. Or maybe it's not ironic...because my schedule is indeed bursting full, and yet here we are, together, you-- on your screen reading my humble words, and me-- writing on my computer while my roommates comfort tv show plays softly in the background, and the rain finally drizzles outside.

Something about this rain, the rain after the heat and smoke, resonates with me as an image of how I have been feeling.

The past several weeks have been a lot of nonstop 'going.' Yet, in it I have found some moments of pause and unexpected rest.

For the sake of honesty and context, let me take you back a few weeks. 

It's a Friday. I have been going nonstop for the past 5 days from 6:30am to 12:30am. Swim to work to class to class to class to lunch to choir to dinner to rehearsal to bed. No stop. No rest. No breaks. 

I had a scheduled hour for lunch and dinner on most days. But I have an absurd amount of allergies and cook my own meals, so most of this hour is spent cooking, eating and then rushing to the next thing. 

Friday was one of the days I did not have a scheduled lunch. It is around 5 or so. I have not eaten much, if anything, all day, and I have just walked into the bathroom to start getting ready for rehearsal when I receive a call from Bryan, my boss. I have left the costume shop shipping container door open, unlocked, lock and key on the ground all night and all day. 

Crap. 

 I calmly apologize and assure him it won't happen again. He asks me a few questions to make sure everything is how it was. I can hear in his voice that this could have been really bad. He is gracious. I'm not fired or anything. But the conversation is brief, and we both know I messed up. I am practically holding in my breath with each word he says. I muster a final apology and thank him for closing the container, and hang up. 

There is a moment as I hold my breath and look at myself in the mirror. I can not believe I forgot that. 

Crap. 

And with that...I fall apart.

I quite literally crumple to the floor and begin sobbing. I'm gripping the counter and shaking and crying. 

I can't believe I did that. 

I know failure is a path of learning. It's good-- yadayadayada...it still has consequences. This could have been bad. 

Crap, my brain isn't working. 

Oh my goodness, I am exhausted.

When will I be able to rest?

Oh my gosh I haven't rested. 

I have literally not stopped. I go then sleep then go then sleep...and not nearly enough. I need to eat.  And oh my goodness, I don't know when I will rest again. 

Thoughts like these float in and out of my head as I cry uncontrollably on the floor of the bathroom. 

Some of them aren't realized thoughts yet. Mostly, I just weep in exhaustion. 

My roommate knocks softly, concerned, and asks if there's anything she can do to help. 

"Umm...can you boil water, please? Thank you."

I know I need to eat. And I know I have about 20 minutes before I need to leave for rehearsal. So I accept help.

I pull myself 'together'...kind of...I keep crying while I mindlessly tear off my day clothes and pull on a t- shirt and some leggings. I grab my sneakers and some socks. I continue to cry as I braid my hair, my eyes stare back at me in the mirror, puffy and red.

I reach onto the counter and grab my phone, I open my text messages and text three people: my Mama, Becky (my mentor from back home) and Tiffany, a woman from church who I trust. 

I simply ask for prayer because I'm struggling. 

I need to eat. I don't want to eat. But I need to eat. 

I think I've stopped crying. I put some sausages in the toaster oven and noodles in the boiling water on the stove. 

Then I lay down on the floor of our living room. And breathe. 

My other roommate checks in: "Do you need to talk about it?"

"No, thank you"

Beat. 

And then I'm off...verbally processing through how exhausted I am and how I just don't know when I'm going to rest and how that stresses me out and for whatever reason all I can do is cry and that’s frustrating. 

I laugh. And I thought I didn't want to talk about it. 

That same roommate puts my noodles and leftover pesto in a container with the sausage. 

She fills my water bottle. 

I suck in a deep breath of air. I stand up. Thank them. Grab my bags. And walk out the door for rehearsal. 

I make it through that evening’s rehearsal and eventually get to bed. The women I texted respond saying they are praying, and offer encouragement while still honoring the difficulty of the exhaustion. 

I was feeling pretty defeated. 

On Sunday, one of the women I texted checked in with me. She reminded me that sometimes we can't take things off of our plate or schedule. But we do have control over some things. We can drink lots of water. We can preach scripture to ourselves while walking to class or work. And...hear me out on this one…we can eat with our eyes closed. 

I KNOW!

It sounds crazy and weird...but this friend from church said she is in a similar boat of 'no time.' But our bodies need rest...our eyes need rest...even if the only time we can rest them is while we eat. 

So-- I promised to try eating with my eyes closed for the following week. 

And LET ME TELL YOU...at first, I thought I was going to fall asleep and this ‘eyes closed thing’ was a terrible idea...

But after trying it a few times, especially when I had to leave as soon as I finished eating...I found that when I eat with my eyes closed it gives me a little rest. A little space. A little time. 

PLUS...

Eating with my eyes closed forces me to sit and eat...I mean you could tryyyyy closing your eyes while eating on the go...but for your sake, I don't recommend it. 

It makes me chew slower instead of shoveling food in my mouth...another unhealthy habit I’m trying to break.

Overall, it inspires a few small healthy eating habits...and mostly it gives my eyes a little break. 

And it reminds me that in the business of life, there is time. God is present. And food is important. 

Over the past few weeks I've been trying to implement little moments of rest, starting with closing my eyes while eating. 

The past several Sundays I've sat down to write out my schedule and to do lists. The black ink is crammed in from top to bottom of the page and I get overwhelmed. But then I've started taking a deep breath, and making my list of reminders for the week...the things I'm gonna do to help me get through. 

1. Eat with my eyes closed. 

2. Read Philippians 4:4-9

3. Take things "Bird by Bird" 

4. Drink WATER (Hydrate or Diedrate babyy)

5. Take vitamins 2x a day. 

We may not be able to change the fullness of our schedule. But we can take things one thing at a time. Do the next right thing. Drink some water and eat with our eyes closed. 

And this brings us back to our rain. 

The last few weeks have been extremely exhausting. It was tech and then dress rehearsal/opening night week for the musical, which meant extra taxing rehearsals, overtime in the costume shop, and very little time for homework. The productive grind I had the week before faded into accepting necessary sleep and arriving to work late. 

There have been a few homework coffee sessions, some tears spilt over my lack of food, and dreaded emails sent asking for extensions or notifying professors of inevitably late assignments.

Yet, in it, I have found unexpected blessings. A manager was finally hired for the costume shop. Online church was available when I couldn’t make it in person. I got free coffee while getting homework done. 

I ate some meals with my eyes closed.  

And I’ve been sitting in the rain after the smoke. 

Metaphorically (and kind of literally, I guess).

The rain creates room to breathe, but I’m still surrounded by the ickiness of the smoke. My body is still recovering from its extra struggle to breathe these past few weeks. There’s tension in my back. I have cried. And yet I know God is good. 

I have felt exhausted, but felt strength and rest in Him while exhausted. 

I’m in the smoke. And I’m in the rain. And God is good.

So, I encourage you to eat with your eyes closed. As silly as it sounds, try it. And let your eyes have a little rest, and just sit with God while you eat. 

Sincerely, 

Sophi