All Aboard the Choo Choo Train....Destination Unknown

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Chugga....chugga....chugga...chugga...choo choooooo!!

The train of progress and effort is chuggging along this semester. As we neared Newberg last night, coming home from a week long theatre conference in Spokane, my chest tightened as the reality of my to-do list and the fullness of real life weighed in on me. But in another moment my eyes rested on the soft, orange and blue sunset glittering on the river as trees whirred by. Beauty. Peace. I was reminded of another sunset, on a lake, last May. A sunset in the midst of a May thunderstorm as a friend and I waited out the rain and lightning storm to go kayaking. That sunset was far more golden, filling big clouds across the sky, sparkling on the water and illuminating a tripple rainbow. But the feeling of stillness, chaos and peace colliding inside me, and remembering the nearness of Jesus was almost the same as this sunset on the way home from Spokane. The thunderstorm sunset last summer was right before I left for a summer of working at an overnight camp. It was a huge transition as I stepped into major change and so much unknown. Last night I felt the familiar ache of change and transition, but almost as suddenly I felt a wave of peace and tender joy at the constancy and steadfastness of God's love in the midst of it. There is so much change ahead. And so much to be done right now. 

This semester I am learning to make friends with the feeling of being behind. I have come to terms with the fact that I will always be behind, well until April 25th-ish, before I graduate. Then, maybe, I'll be mostly caught up. I felt this feeling of being behind many times in my life. It is often accompanied by guilt and stress over the things not accomplished. Sometimes it has been spurred on by procrastination and I've felt absolutely screwed as I tried to do everything moments before it was due. But this semester, I'm noticing the behindness is there, even if I work every minute of the day. It ebbs and flows, but I am almost always behind in something. I'm learning that there is a difference between being behind and doing nothing (perhaps out of panic or discouragment) -- and chugging along, bit by bit, towards progress, despite constantly being behind. Often when I think I can't do anything, it's because I can't do everything. When really, I can do one thing. Maybe even two. 

Right now, everything seems to hold equal weight. I'm a bit behind in everything most days, but I'm learning to embrace that feeling and pick one, next thing, to work on right now. Even if I haven't accomplished everything, I've accomplished something, and that is one step forward, even as more things flow onto the to-do list. 

If you feel similarly overwhelmed, I encourage you to consider what one thing you can do right now. Is it sleep? Is it eat? Is it five pages of reading or a few emails? If you can't do everything, fret not. You'll still be behind, but likely, you can do something, and that little bit of progress or rest (because rest is productive) is valuable :)

Keep chugging along. 

Sincerely, 
Sophi

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