blessings & burnout

 I expected my last semester of senior year to be sparkly and magical – full of epic projects, fun events, and coffee dates with friends. And while it is full of sparkles, projects, events and coffee, it has also been full of a demanding schedule, a never ending to do list, and well…it’s just been exhausting. As an extrovert, people time is incredibly important to me, so the last several Saturdays have been full of Bible studies and coffee dates, which have fueled my heart but have not left much time for napping or homework. A constant battle of priorities. Sometimes, I feel like I’m running a marathon with no clear end in sight. Instead of looking to Friday or Saturday as the moment of reprieve, I’m looking a few months out towards graduation and the hypothetical relief of the summer…though the summer seems so unknown that doesn’t seem to bring much relief quite yet.

But … in the midst of all this, I’m learning to embrace the chaos and fullness in this season and to find joy in all of it. Yesterday, I had a job interview at 3pm in Portland. I didn’t want to double my driving so I stuck around Hillsboro after church. I went to Mod pizza to lesson plan and eat lunch – all by myself – and I was surprised by the rest I found in this quiet moment alone, still, before the next busy thing. Then I got gas and drove to Portland. If you know me, you know not even a month ago, I was terrified to drive to Portland. Today, I drove to Portland with at least 85% confidence and a peaceful time of worship music in the car. God provided moments of stillness and connection even though I was miles away from my cozy home and lacking a much needed after-church nap. Food was good, sitting for a moment was good, being an adult and doin’ the job search thing was good. 

Now, I’m sitting in my living room, overwhelmed by lines I haven’t memorized, papers I haven’t written, but I can’t help but smile as my roommates plunk out random notes and rhythms on our other roommates keyboard. One leans over the keyboard and intensely plunks out a fun rhythm and melody she’s made up. The other hits chunks of lower notes with her fists before picking one note to press repeatedly with a single finger. Somehow, the chaotic, random notes are so joyfilled and pleasing to the ear. The music is full of life and play. Refreshing my tired mind. Joy in the chaos.

My life this semester is so different than I imagined. Full not only of school, but of dreaming about the future and soaking up the last social and academic moments of college. If I’m honest, it has been a mix of stress and joy. There is so much wonder and delight in dreaming about the future, in my relationships and in all the projects I’m working on. But, I am also quite fatigued by the constant striving, the lack of rest and all the unfinished work. I am thankful – for my silly roommates, for my church community, for scripture, hugs, dairy-free milkshakes, patient professors, worship songs, cups of coffee with friends, and heartfelt conversations about art and faith and literature. 

My theatre professor recently shared an image of putting pennies in a piggy bank as an analogy for taking care of ourselves. What little things can we do to add in rest? To reorient our hearts to Christ. To fill our hearts with worship. To feed our bellies. To give our eyes a momentary rest. I’m hanging on to that as I step into a Monday with no breaks and a whole host of things I’m ill-prepared for. And that is my encouragement to you this week. If you too are in a season of fullness, what little pennies can you add into your life to refocus on gratitude and joy? To add in tiny moments of rest or fuel.

When I began writing this post it was a Sunday night. This morning, I woke up to a Monday, full of dread. But a bagel, coffee, and several psalms later, we are going into this day with a few more pennies in the bank and a reminder of the freedom, joy and provision found in God. 

Love you all. Be well. 

Sincerely, 

Sophi